The Magnificent Seven
by jilian baade
Summary: The Sons of Feanor looking for a Silmaril. A silly ficlet for Lipstick's birthday
1. Default Chapter

  
The Magnificent Seven, or searching for a Silmaril.  
The setting: A beautiful unnamed coral atoll just off the shore of North Queensland. That is the Great Barrier Reef, probably not far from Innisfail.  
The Characters: Seven Pretty elf-boys, and one other.  
The man on the charter boat is watching the scene curiously. Three of the elves are fishing, and the other four, in full scuba gear, are diving in the waters near the atoll. Apparently, they are looking for something.  
'What sort of bait does one use for a Silmaril, anyway, Russandol?' One of the fishermen asked. All three had red hair, two were clearly identical twins, and the third was missing a hand. The right hand to be exact.  
'Don't be silly, Ambarussa, one does not use BAIT for a Silmaril. I am dragging a small net off the end of my fishing line,' said the one handed fisherman, as he examined the selection of things the sea had yielded to him. Shoes, beer bottles, even clothing. The magazine filled with faded and tattered pictures of naked mortal women had proved mildly entertaining for a while, however.  
'Oh, well, we've been using prawns. Perhaps that's why we're at least catching FISH and not the discarded useless junk the crazy mortals leave behind,' replied the younger elf.  
'We are here looking for the Silmaril Maglor threw in the Sea, not simply annoying some hungry fish!' replied Maedhros.  
'Hhm, well, at least we'll have something to eat', mumbled Amras.  
Things continued serenely for a while, then one of the divers shot out of the water as if jet propelled, yelling loudly. The other divers followed, and the fishermen put down their rods, wondering what on earth could have happened now.  
'The bloody thing bit me, that stupid bloody fish bit me!' complained the diver, whose wet hair was dark brown. His face had lost all colour, making his light dusting of freckles stand out even more than usual.  
'In the behind, no less,' drawled one of the other divers, a handsome blonde.  
The other elves all collapsed laughing at the injured elf who looked as though he'd burst into tears. 'Don't laugh, it's not funny.'  
'Oh, relax, Caranthir, it's not a big bite, you're lucky you know,' said an elf with a particularly beautiful voice.  
'Yeah, real lucky,' remarked one of the twins. 'Lucky you taste so lousy the fish didn't want another bite.'  
Caranthir launched himself at his brother, and began pummelling him. The others pulled them apart.  
'That's it, no more Silmaril fishing today,' ordered Maedhros.  
So, the divers got out of their wet suits, and Caranthir sulkily allowed Celegorm to attend to his bitten behind.  
'Stop wriggling!' Celegorm shouted as Caranthir tried to look and see how much of his bum was missing. As looking at your own behind is very difficult, Caranthir finally fell over, and landed on Curufin who pushed him into Maglor, and before long all seven brothers were in a tangled mess.  
The man on the charter boat was watching this with great amusement, and as the brothers started to untangle themselves he thought that they looked remarkably like an ill disciplined litter of puppies.  
He waited until they had regained their feet, and from the boat, called out to the seven elves, 'Hey, look at this!' and he held up a glowing thing that looked remarkably like a Silmaril.  
Immediately, the brothers gave up fighting, and took to the water, swimming quickly for the boat, which they quickly boarded, and advanced menacingly on the man, who could now be seen to be another elf.  
'Maeglin, give it up!' said Maedhros. 'We'd hate to have to hurt one whose mother was our friend but we cannot allow you to keep one of Father's Jewels.'  
'Okay,' said Maeglin, and tossed the object he was holding to Maedhros, who groaned in disgust when he saw it. Using some of the strange modern things mortals made in such quantity, Maeglin had produced a fake Silmaril!  
Slowly, Maedhros looked at each of his six brothers who still stood in a ring around the smugly grinning Maeglin. 'Brothers, we can't hurt Maeglin for his little joke, now can we?'  
'No,' said Curufin, 'but we can...' and all seven tackled Maeglin to the decking, and gave him a good tickling! 


	2. Celegorm the Fair

Celegorm The Fair.  
  
Warning: Drunken elf lord raving within!  
  
The Scene: my living room. A blonde elf surrounded by empty whisky bottles is sitting on my sofa.  
  
Ok, life's just NOT fair. Really, I've had a very difficult life.  
  
First, why does everyone think I'm a villain, and my bother Curufin too? Just because we restrained Luthien for her own good? Yes, Curufin did try to kill Beren, but he always did have a dreadful temper, nearly as bad as Caranthir!  
  
And this whole calling me The Fair bit, come on how do you think that happened. Of course I'm blonde, I mean Mother is a red head, and everyone knows most red heads also carry the gene for blonde hair, and then Grandmother Muriel is supposed to have had silver hair, so that's how I'm blonde!  
  
In a corner, Nerdanel looks slightly worried. She is wondering if Feanor, (who is in the other corner, beating Earendil on the head with a heavy book, but the Star of Hope refuses to give up the Silmaril) remembers that a year before Celegorm's birth he went on an extended visit to his father. What was a lonely young wife to do when a yummy passing Vanyar messenger expressed an interest in discovering if her hair was red everywhere? If her third son wanted to believe his fiction as to where the blonde hair came from, who was she to argue?  
  
And everyone knows that all elves are fair skinned. Ok, we will tan slightly in the sun, and some of us have a tendency to freckle a little, but we all have fair skin. And of course I'm good- looking, very fair of face, actually. Oh yeah, everyone raves on about Maedhros, how gorgeous he is. Just because he has that flashy looking red hair, and he's tall and everyone feels sorry for him because Fingon cut his hand off! I mean really, I'm just as gorgeous.  
  
Another thing, how come I never ever get any? Sex, I mean. Maedhros has Fingon, Maglor has appeared in several fics where you can figure out he's going to score, Caranthir had that lovely fic Ithilwen wrote about him and Haleth, Curufin's been married, and is banging some Mortal chickie, and the Twins have each other. Why do I always miss out? Oh sure, I used to get the odd hand job off Aredhel (thanks Deborah) but that Helcaraxe thing finished that!  
  
My dog ran out on me, come on, doesn't Huan realise Luthien bewitched him? And she got him killed, all because he talked to her. He could have spoken to me any time in the previous few hundred years, but noooo, I wasn't good enough! Damn that hound, he told that tart from Doriath everything about me, including that I'm a virgin!!  
  
*Celegorm gets up and wanders off, coming back with another whisky bottle. He sculls half, and puts it down*  
  
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I never get any. I'm a virgin. So, ladies, anyone care to help me out? Surely someone out there wants to screw a handsome drunk virgin? Please?  
  
*The elf falls off the sofa, and curls up with my cat. At least things will quiet for a while!* 


	3. snow fight

Snow Fight.  
  
Blame Lipstick for this one!  
  
Location: Mt Hotham, Victorian Alps, Australia.  
  
Actually, it's the Arlberg, and seven elves are eating lunch, and arguing among themselves, or rather five of them are. The other two, identical red haired twins are attempting to make sense of a magazine that someone had left at their table. They gave up, wondering why mortals have such an obsession with naked people, and joined the lively argument about the 'notebook computer' thing Caranthir had.  
  
'I wonder what happens if you push this button', remarks Celegorm, pushing said button.  
  
'You broke it', muttered Caranthir, still not up to major bouts of temper as his behind was still healing after being bitten by the shark.  
  
'No, he didn't, he just turned it off, if you push this button, it will turn back on', said Curufin, turning the computer back on.  
  
Maedhros and Maglor laughed, and went back to their discussion on the best way to build a snowman.  
  
Amrod and Amras are sitting by the window, and are half listening to their brothers argue but really watching the people pass by. They laughed at the mortals; at the silly way they walk in the ski boots without even realising they too walk in the same silly fashion in their ski boots.  
  
Actually, the brothers had had a wonderful time that morning, learning to ski. With typical elven skill they'd learned fast, and there had only been two serious falls among the brothers, and those hadn't even really been the faults of the elves concerned. First Maedhros had been bowled over by an out of control mortal woman, and to the amusement of five of his six brothers had ended up stuck in the lower branches of a small snow gum tree with the woman. Maglor it was who had assisted both out of the tree, extracting a promise from the lady to be more careful in the future.  
  
Then both the twins had fallen off the ski lift. No one quite knew how, the others suspected Amrod and Amras had had one of their spats and this had caused them to fall, the twins of course blamed the strange mortal machine. Luckily, they had not fallen far, so the only injury they sustained was to their pride.  
  
A tired looking waitress cleared the brothers' table, hinting they should leave and allow others to use their table. Shrugging, the seven leave, making as much noise as only seven squabbling elf brothers can while discussing the possible afternoon's activities. For some reason, skiing was out, and snow tubing in.  
  
So, seven mischievous elves had a marvellous time sliding down slopes, and even those restricted to skiers only, for the fun of knocking all the mortals flying like skittles. This continued until Celegorm, Caranthir, and Curufin knocked down a very fat lady who landed on them and nearly squashed them. Caranthir badly hurt his shark bitten behind again, too.  
  
Still, the sun was going by now, so the brothers decided they needed food, so they invaded the same café again, much to the disgust of the staff, who'd really had enough of them at lunchtime. Much food and many bottles of wine later, Maedhros spoke quietly, 'I suppose we should look for the Silmaril. Our informant told Amras it would be visible outside after dark.'  
  
Duly obedient, Maedhros' brothers followed him back outside, to wait and see what would happen. Nothing did, for a very long time. The brothers became extremely bored and started arguing again, but Maglor and Caranthir really got stuck into each other, yelling and threatening to hit each other, but just as Caranthir raised his hand to strike Maglor he was hit in the face by a large snowball thrown by Celegorm.  
  
'Snow fight!' yelled the twins, and the air was quickly filled with snowballs. Laughing and shouting the elves soon worked off their stress. Maedhros was the main target as the eldest, and was soon covered in snow nearly to his waist.  
  
It was then that the brumbies appeared. Frightened by the cross- country skiers earlier in the evening, they had wandered into the village and now they stampeded through the brothers. Spitting out snow, the elves picked themselves up.  
  
'Did you see the bay mare?' asked Celegorm  
  
Realisation dawned on them, that horse had a glowing thing tied to its tail. 'The Silmaril?'said Maedhros.  
  
'After it then!' yelled Curufin.  
  
The next morning. Seven cold, wet and hungry elf-boys trudge back to Mt. Hotham village.  
  
'Told you no horse would have a real Silmaril tied to its tail', grumbled Caranthir. His brothers looked at him, then at each other, and flung themselves on top of poor Caranthir, squashing him breathless. 


	4. The Mad Scientist

The Mad Scientist.  
  
This is inspired by much speculation from the Silmfics list about what Caranthir did besides loose his temper!  
  
An elf stood in a poorly lit room, his hair tied back, wearing a heavy leather apron and gloves. He was carefully manipulating bottles and equipment that stood on a bench in front of him.  
  
'Two drops of Nitro Glycerine ought to do it,' he muttered to himself. A shattering explosion rocked the small building. Other elves came running.  
  
'What are you doing?' enquired Maedhros rather sarcastically of the blackened looking elf lying on the ground.  
  
'He's done it again!' shouted Celegorm, who was investigating the ruins of the building. He held up a box bearing the words 'Acme Chemistry Set' on it in bold lettering.  
  
'Haven't you learned yet, Caranthir?' enquired Maglor as he assisted Caranthir to stand. The younger elf was not injured except for having had his hair catch fire again.  
  
'Acme make your own robot sets, Acme glue that stuck you to a wall for three weeks, that one was funny,' said Curufin, 'even if we did tire of having to feed you like you're a baby because you'd glued both hands to the wall!'  
  
'Then there's the rocket powered shoes, and the giant springs so you could leap mountains, the enormous kite to fly to Mordor, and now a chemistry set! When will you learn that NONE of these things will allow us to defeat Morgoth and reclaim the Silmarils? Ever since you saw the cartoons on Jillian's TV you've been spending all the wealth you've acquired from the Dwarves on this rubbish!' scolded Maedhros.  
  
'It's fun,' mumbled Caranthir. 'Besides, I was trying to put together an explosive that would blow up all the Orcs in Middle Earth.'  
  
'Well, you blew yourself up, so I suppose that counts,' snapped Celegorm.  
  
Caranthir was far too sore to loose his temper and fight his brother, so he sulked instead. 'Just because they call you 'The Fair' doesn't mean you have to call me an Orc.'  
  
'No one's an Orc, but you are very foolish!' said Maglor. 'You could have been killed!'  
  
'Would it have mattered!' said Caranthir.  
  
'Yes,' said the twins together. 'For who would we laugh at without our brother Caranthir, the Mad Scientist!'  
  
Caranthir looked down at ground, and then suddenly started laughing, and all his brothers joined him. Yes, life as a Mad Scientist was certainly interesting! 


End file.
